Filed under: "Blast from the past", 'bout Bethany, Rate and Rave | Tags: funny, get, i, list, married, marry, me, men, not, reasons, to, want, why, will, won't
So I’m going through all my old blogs and I found this and while reading it I laughed out loud at myself several times. Is it bad that I think I’m funny? Of course it’s not, I’m hilarious! This blog was originally posted on May 14, 2008.
I’ve always said this, but I think (just facing the facts) it’s highly unlikely I’ll ever get married. I don’t believe in soul mates; I think every person has many people they’re compatible with. I think even if you’re not perfect for each other hard work will overshadow “soul mateyness.” But in my case… I think the number of people I’m compatible with is significantly lowered since I’m so bat-shit-crazy. So I’ve put together a list of things this man, whoever he might be, will have to put up with to marry me. You could call this my “quirk” list… a list of things that probably won’t ever change.
1. When I get bitter and angry I don’t express it. Instead, I put it into an imaginary box and then when you forget to close the cereal box and it’s stale the next time I get a bowl of Captain Crunch (peanut butter flavor of course) World War 3 will break out and I’ll start bringing up stuff from like 2 years ago that I never mentioned to you. It will get ugly. I will cry and probably throw something at you. Then we won’t fight again for like 4 months… but you should probably wear a cup….you know… just in case.
2. I become emotionally attached to my tennis shoes. You know when you buy a new pair and get blisters for the first few weeks while you’re breaking them in? I hate that. Once I get a pair I wear them until they have holes and the laces are broken. Therefore, they usually stink. OK, who am I kidding… they ALWAYS stink I have the smelliest pair of tennis shoes ever. You may have to take them by force.
3. I’m awkward at accepting gifts. Instead of being really happy and excited about them I feel obligated to get you something better. I’m a “one upper” and will give you a better gift pretty soon afterwards. Anyless you totally screwed up (like leaving the cereal box open and it went stale) and then I’ll throw it in your face and punch you!
4. I get happy meals. You’ll probably be embarrassed. But really… they’re the perfect size. Combo meals are more expensive and I waste 50% of the food so… why not? If you’re too embarrassed to order a happy meal for me you’re not the right guy for me.
5. Since I didn’t get DVR until recently… I don’t watch my show all season and wait until it comes out on DVD and then watch them all in one day. You have to love TV marathons too. It’s not ever going to change.
6. I’m obsessed with my dogs. Not in the creepy “I put clothes on them” way (although I will admit we have put them in OSU jerseys a few times)… but I have endless nicknames for them… talk to them all the time (in my special high pitched voice that’s so high only they can hear) and always want to cuddle them. You will have to not get jealous that I won’t be cuddling you… I’ll be cuddling Winky and Tank.
7. I’m awesome at turning things around. If you confront me about something I have 10 ways to spin it to be your fault. I inherited this from my mother. Don’t try to fight it… it’s no use.
8. I have horribles genes so if we get married, our kids are doomed. My dad has Cardiomyopathy (heart disease) and Ventricular Tachycardia (another heart disease), my mom has diebetes, my grandma has Alzheimers, and my grandpa had Prostate Cancer, and still has arthritis, and Cardiomyopathy. Basically my entire family has something wrong with them that I will most likely inherit. Our kid will have to live in a bubble.
9. People who know me know me as the loud, outgoing, life of the party type…. but on the inside there is a socially awkward, hermit-girl who is secretly very nervous when she meets new people and sometimes compensate for this by being loud and trying (key word) to be funny. Usually I just wants to curl up in a ball for the weekend and do absolutely nothing. You have to like this too. This leads to #10.
10. Sometimes I don’t shower on the weekend. I know… gross. If I showered and got ready Friday night… I’m not going to shower Saturday just so I can look good for Tony Little while he has is Gazelle exercise informercial that I, don’t ask me why, have seen over 20 times. I will come up with an excuse Sunday not to either. Ohhh shut up, you totally do it too.
So you think you know anyone that can put up with me? Let me know.
