10 Reasons I won’t get married

I’ve always said this, but I’m just facing the facts. It’s highly unlikely I’ll ever get married. I don’t believe in soul mates; I think every person has many people they’re compatible with. I think even if you’re not perfect for each other, hard work will overshadow “soul mateyness.”

In my case… I think the number of people I’m compatible with is significantly lowered since I’m so crazy. So I’ve put together a list of things this man, whoever he might be, will have to put up with to marry me. You could call this my “quirk” list… a list of things that probably won’t ever change.

1. When I get bitter and angry I normally don’t express it immediately. Instead, I put it into an imaginary box in my head and when you forget to close the cereal box and it’s stale when I get a bowl of Captain Crunch world war 3 will break out and I’ll start bringing up stuff from like 2 years ago that I never mentioned to you. It will get ugly. I will cry and probably throw something at you. Then we won’t fight again for like 4 months… but you should probably wear a cup at all times….you know… just in case.

2. I become emotionally attached to my tennis shoes. You know when you buy a new pair and get blisters during the first few weeks while you’re breaking them in? I hate that. Once I get a pair I wear them until they have holes and the laces are broken. Therefore, they usually stink. OK, who am I kidding… they ALWAYS stink I have the smelliest pair of tennis shoes on the planet. You may have to take them by force. If I am forced to pick between you and the tennis shoes, I will choose the shoes. Don’t make me pick.

3. I’m awkward at accepting gifts. Instead of being really happy and excited about them I feel obligated to get you something better. I’m a “one upper” and will give you a better gift pretty soon afterwards. Unless you totally screw up (like leaving the cereal box open and it went stale). Then I won’t buy you a gift at all.

4. I get happy meals. You’ll probably be embarrassed. But really… they’re the perfect size. Combo meals are more expensive and I waste 50% of the food so… why not? If you’re too embarrassed to order a happy meal for me you’re not the right guy for me.

5. With the exception of a few television shows, I don’t watch shows I like all season and wait until it comes out on DVD and then watch them all in one day. You have to love TV marathons too. It’s not ever going to change.

6. I’m obsessed with my dogs. Not in the creepy “I put clothes on them” way (although I will admit we have put them in OSU jerseys a few times). But in the” I have 234,839 nicknames for them” way. Also the “I talk to them all the time (in my special high pitched voice that’s so high only they can hear)” way. I always want to cuddle them. You will have to not get jealous that I won’t be cuddling you… I’ll be cuddling Tinky and Winky (Tank and Winnie).

7. I’m awesome at turning things around. If you confront me about something I have 10 ways to spin it to be your fault. I inherited this from my mother. Don’t try to fight it… it’s no use. You will lose. I will win.

8. I have horribles genes so if we get married, our kids are doomed. My dad has Cardiomyopathy and Ventricular Tachycardia, my mom has diebetes, my grandma has Alzheimers, and my grandpa had Prostate Cancer, arthritis, and Cardiomyopathy. Basically my entire family has something wrong with them that I (and my children) will most likely inherit. Our kid will have to live in a bubble.

9. People who know me know me as the loud, outgoing, life of the party type…. but on the inside there is a socially awkward, hermit-girl who is secretly very nervous when she meets new people and sometimes compensate for this by being loud and trying (key word) to be funny. Usually I just wants to curl up in a ball for the weekend and do absolutely nothing. You have to like this too. This leads to #10.

10. Sometimes I skip showers. I know… gross. If I showered and got ready Friday night… I’m not going to shower Saturday just so I can look good for Tony Little while he has his Gazelle exercise informercial that I, don’t ask me why, have seen over 20 times. Rarely, I will come up with an excuse Sunday not to either. Ohhh shut up, you totally have done it too. Don’t judge me.

So that’s that. Some (bubble kids) are worse than others (smelly shoes)… so maybe some day I will find a guy that will put up with my faults.


2 responses

  1. alex

    HAHAH #5 is so true. I had fun.. at least it was Seinfeld and not Sex and the City like you originally wanted to watch…

    May 15, 2008 at 2:49 AM

  2. Jw

    You are so funny …. I love reading your stuff. You make me seem so effin’ normal !!!

    April 25, 2011 at 6:04 PM

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