Today’s gross 51 year old celebrity marrying a 16 year old brought to you by this hot mess


I don’t know how many of you have seen The Green Mile, but the prison guard that forgot to put on a wet sponge? That dude? His name is Doug Hutchison and he married 16 year old Courtney Alexis Stodden this week. YEAH. He’s 51. She’s 16. Did I mention she’s a wanna-be popstar? NOT LIKE THAT MATTERS, THOUGH. Because they’re in love and this is a legit, non-creepy marriage! Right? RIGHT? Here’s their statement:

“We’re aware that our vast age difference is extremely controversial. But we’re very much in love and want to get the message out there that true love can be ageless.”

I know a lot of young girls read my blog, so here’s a fair warning ladies………..This story will teach you two lessons. #1, the power of photoshop:

That girl looks really pretty in her wedding picture but DON’T BE FOOLED. She’s a hot mess. Also, lesson #2, don’t date old dudes because it’s creepy. NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, IT’S CREEPY. As evidenced by that creepy wedding picture. I think it’s so funny because you know that she decided which photo to release to the press. She looks pretty and posey in it, and he looks like Quasimodo after he got stung by 1,000 bees and they removed his neck entirely. What a b*tch.

The worst part about this story is what her mom said. #1, she said they have her blessing and she signed off on the marriage. SHE LET HER 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER GET MARRIED. And make a huge decision like that. *facepalm* but read this crap:

“She is a beautiful girl,” Krista Stodden told Radar Online. “She has real breasts, real lips, she’s not plastic.”

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? Why would you say that about your daughter? How creepy are you? The answer: super creepy. Also, it’s obvious she’s lying because Courtney has no upper arm fat. IF YOU HAVE BIG BOOBS, YOU HAVE UPPER ARM FAT. I learned this from Tina Fey. If there is no upper arm fat, you have Walmart bolt on tits. That’s what Courtney has.

I forgot, there’s a third lesson to learn from all of this. The third lesson is YOUR DOG SHOULD CONSTANTLY WEAR A PINK WIG. It will make your dog feel better about itself. It will display a more confident attitude and improve its appearance. You won’t regret the decision, just like Courtney didn’t.

And here’s a video of her actually talking, which I thought was a joke at first because of her ridiculous voice BUT IT’S NOT A JOKE. It’s real. And she’s one of those girls. You know, the girl that attributes any insult to that person being “jealous”? She’s one of those.


2 responses

  1. lo doe

    I couldn’t figure out which one was the 16 year old in the wedding pic. She looks OLD. Like, wicked old.

    And the video? Is that what passes for talent? Seriously?

    I’m duly grossed out.

    June 23, 2011 at 1:15 AM

  2. She does NOT look 16. Unless by 16 she means at least 30 trying to look 16. Either way, it’s revolting. The pink wig on the dog may be the worst part though.

    June 23, 2011 at 9:55 AM

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