I mean, we all agree that Angelina Jolie shoots her face up with vegetable oil, right?

There’s not a single. line. there. Not even in between her eyebrows, and women always get lines there. I’m twenty-freaking-three and I have indents around my mouth from smiling, but a 36 year old doesn’t? No way. She gets ’em filled. She probably had syringes around the house and has trained her 18 children to inject her face with vegetable oil so there isn’t a paper trail at plastic surgeon offices for tabloids to find and publish. I’VE CAUGHT ON, ANGELINA.

Also, is it just me or does she look at least 40? How is she only 36? I think Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, Heidi Klum, Cate Blanchett, Jennifer Connelly, Salma Hayek, etc…. they all look better than her in my opinion. And they’re all over 40. So I don’t get what the “big deal” is about Angelina. She’s young and she looks older than her age, and she has trained her children like monkeys to inject her face to get rid of her wrinkles. I have proof, seriously. It happened. Trust me on this.

And, WHY YES I’M TEAM ANISTON. Why do you ask? Whatever. I know I’m a hater and I embrace homewrecker hating! Let’s talk about how she’s grossly skinny next time!

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