My CONTAGION review……..SPOILER ALERT: it’s not a virus that’s killing everyone, it’s Jason Bourne.

Here’s my review for Contagion, coming to theaters on September 9, 2011. To really understand what I’m saying, please take a second and watch the trailer below! If you have already seen the trailer, watch it again BECAUSE I FREAKING SAID SO.

SHORT REVIEW FOR LAZY PEOPLE: If you enjoy well acted, well written, well directed films (and don’t mind when they’re slow moving) go see it. But don’t go see it if you’re wanting a thriller, because it’s absolutely not the scary movie they are trying to sell in the trailer.

LONG REVIEW FOR AWESOME PEOPLE: I feel lied to. Like if I bought a vegetarian bowl at Chipotle, ate the whole thing, enjoyed it, then found out afterward the beans have pork in them. On one hand it’s like, “Yeah, the Chipotle tasted good,” but on the other hand it’s like, “YOU LIED, CHIPOTLE.” Yes, I enjoyed the film, even though it was totally misrepresented. But that’s the thing, they misrepresented it!

Growing up, my best friend Debbie and I used to rent a few slasher movies every Friday night. We LOVED getting scared. We picked out those particular movies because they were scary. Not because they were well-written or well-acted (they rarely were). What I expect will happen is a lot of people see movies the way Debbie and I saw movies. They’ll go to see Contagion because they love to get scared and they think it’s a suspenseful movie. But they’ll leave disappointed. Because it’s not a suspenseful movie.

Contagion is basically a bunch of huge, HUGE actors handling test tubes, watching new broadcasts, and using medical vocab you won’t be able to understand. There are one of two tense moments, and you see them all in the trailer. Soderbergh weaves together 7-8 character’s story lines, similar to Love Actually. Except it’s obviously not a rom-com, and millions of people die during the film.

To wrap it up, the film was good. It was well cast, and full of great acting and interesting characters. I don’t regret seeing it. If I were you, I’d wait and RedBox it. There’s no big-screen effect. It’ll be the same in the comfort of your own home, and you’ll have easier access to hand sanitizer (bonus!)

And to get my last bit of butthurt out: still can’t understand why you’d make a movie that’s not scary and not suspensful, then market it so people THINK it’s scary and suspenseful, only to disappoint the people who went to see it for that reason. You’re just setting yourself up for shitty word of mouth. Like this review. If you would’ve marketed this as an intellectual film, I think the people seeing it will leave much happier because they got what they expected.

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