VMA trash talking on two-day-delay because that’s how I roll.

It’s that time again! “What time?” you might ask? Time for me to steal photos from legitimate media outlets and talk crap about what people wore at the VMAs! WOOOOO!

I know a lot of people complained that the MTV Video Music Awards suck, but think about it…….. this is the only awards show where Twilight/Justin Bieber/Taylor Swift won’t win every. freaking. award. I truly don’t think I can make it through another Taylor Swift acceptance speech where she has the same fake reaction (OH. MY. GAWD. I WON?!?!?). Or watch Kristen Stewart awkwardly breathe into a microphone, not knowing what to say. Or see Justin Bieber read the Ten Commandments on stage because he’s run out of Jesus material to mention. SO WHAT I’M SAYING IS…….be thankful. Be thankful for what you received. We have first world problems.

I’ll use some of my tweets (I was tipsy while watching the show and tweeting at a friend’s house, bad combination. And by bad I mean good) to supplement my current (sober) trash talking. ANNNNND HERE WE GO:

[here’s where I would insert a tweet about how big of a joke Lady Gaga is, except I was physically unable to tweet because my hands were busy picking my jaw off the floor. #VMAsOnDelay]

Can we call her Lady TryHard now? Am I the only person that thinks Lady Gaga is a total fucking joke? When I saw her silhouette on stage at the beginning (you know, when the crowd was screaming their heads off even though they didn’t know it was Lady Gaga yet?) looking like a dude, I thought it was Prince because of the hair. Then I thought it was Bruno Mars. Then I realized Lady fucking Gaga rubbed dirt on her face, glued on some sideburns, over-acted like she’s Barbara fucking Streisand, and smoked the shit out of a cigarette for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. I still don’t understand any of it. Who was she supposed to be? YOU ARE NOT BARBARA STREISAND. YOU CAN’T ACT. YOU ARE NOT A MAN. YOU TOOK IT TOO FAR. That’s not art. You’re not that important. Everything you do doesn’t have to be over the top. You can act like a normal human being for once. JUST STOP. I actually read today that she took her “role” so seriously that she used the men’s restroom. I hate you, Lady Gaga. If I had one, I’d tell you (in the words of Tina Fey) to “SUCK MY D*CK.”

Oh yeah, and another grievance. Way to steal the spotlight from Britney. This was supposed to be her tribute night. During Lady Tryhard’s introduction to the tribute, she was talking about touching herself to Britney’s poster growing up (AWKWARD). She was probably like, “What is the ONE thing I can say to make sure every press release mentions me? Oh, I know!” Stupid Lady Tryhard. *shakes fist*

I’ve never seen someone slay a live performance like Adele just did to Someone Like You. #VMAsOnDelay

ADELE WAS AMAZING. She is in a league of her own, really. The best league. She’s like the only person in the major leagues, and Beyonce, Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and everyone else is stuck playing T Ball. SHE. WAS. FLAWLESS. She sounded better live than she did on her CD. And ladies and gentleman, that shit was live. That wasn’t auto-tuned. That wasn’t a showy performance. No flashing lights. No dancers. No pyrotechnics. No swaying back and forth on the piano like you’re having a seizure (I’m looking at you, Lady Gaga). That was some 23 year old girl that barely anyone knew about 2 years ago singing her heart out on stage and blowing everyone out of the water. She was so amazing I didn’t even mind her freaky ass nails. If you missed it, here’s a video. If you didn’t miss it, here’s the video you can watch again because I know you totally want to:

Little Justin Bieber looks adorable with his hair short. You know when he kissed Selena they totally agreed beforehand that would happen.” #VMAsOnDelay

Everyone say it together, “AWWWWWWWWWWW” JUSTIN BIEBER LOOKED SO ADORABLE. Guys, whatever. I love him and I think he’s so cute. I don’t care what you think. When he won an award (whatever award it was that he won) Selena stood up like a robot and they kissed. And you totally know they talked about it ahead of time. “OK, so we hit puberty now and I think the Coalition of Pissed Off Moms won’t get mad if we kiss in public now, so let’s do it. LET’S DO IT.” Team Bieber Fever=me.

Those. PANTS. Are. Terrible. #VMAsOnDelay

Beyonce’s baby bump moment was awesome but made me feel like a complete jerk because all I kept saying was “THOSE PANTS ARE TERRIBLE!!!!!!!” They were highwaters, unflattering, didn’t hug her (awesome) legs, and made her look ….. larger. I was totally confused by her outfit. And was talking shit the whole time. Then she busted open her bejeweled unflattering cropped jacket (courtesy of Mama Knowles, I’m sure) at the end and showed the world she looked frumpy because SHE’S WITH CHILD!!! I instantly felt like an asshole, but an accomplished asshole because I might not know immediately that you’re pregnant, but I definitely know when you look like sh*t compared to your normal self. It’s like a 6th sense.

Whatever. I know I already talked about her, but I HATE YOU, LADY GAGA. You suck. I just wanted to tell you again.

Chris Brown is a terrible lip syncer but I’d rather him dance like that and lip sync than actually sing and not dance #VMAsOnDelay

Chris Brown lipsynced his way through a pretty amazing performance. I didn’t mind it because he’s fun to watch. I understand it’s difficult to dance that intricately and sound good when you’re singing live. You sacrifice one or the other. I’d rather him not *actually* sing and dance his ass off, than not dance and *actually* sing. Comprende?

The only thing I could stare at the whole time was his crotch. Because he was in that flying thing? Spinning everywhere? It was distracting me because it was just out there. Then I kept thinking, “Man, I bet he’s dizzy.” Then I was thinking about how his jacket got stuck on the wire and looked goofy. Then I was like, “Remember that one time he beat the sh*t out of Rihanna? Yeah. Me too.” Let’s not forget about that, no matter how amazing his dancing was.

Can we have a moment of silence for the tragedy that is occurring with Kanye West right now? DENIM, ON DENIM, ON DENIM. I just used the word “denim” two too many times. Because you should only have one “denim” in my recap of when you look like crap.

In summary, I was disappointed with the VMAs this year. The Britney “tribute” was a joke. Full of inappropriate dressed 12 year olds that made me feel uncomfortable. The Amy Winehouse tribute was too long. The best part for me personally was when Cloris Leachman (the old lady) was reading her lines from the teleprompter with the cast of Jersey Shore and she wasn’t talking into the microphone. SO AWKWARD it was amazing. Sam, Deena, Nicole and Jenny had absolutely no idea what to do, and just laughed awkwardly. We should have Cloris Leachman host the VMAs next year with Pauly D. I’d be OK with that happening.

One response

  1. This whole post was pure gold, but I think my favorite line was: “I hate you, Lady Gaga. If I had one, I’d tell you (in the words of Tina Fey) to “SUCK MY D*CK.””

    August 30, 2011 at 5:40 PM

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