YOU READY FOR THIS? Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 review time.

WHAT UP, FOLKS. I know I’m a whole week late on this, but I wanted to write a Breaking Dawn review because the experience was pretty hilarious. But before we begin, I want to say this…. SPOILER ALERT. I’m not a skilled enough reviewer to beat around the bush. I am going to talk about a lot of specific movie scenes in here, so if you haven’t seen it (and you somehow don’t know what happens in this movie?) don’t read this review.

I’d like to start off my admitting that sometimes I pretend I watch shitty movies and television ironically. “OH LOL THIS SUCKS SO BAD I SHOULD GO SEE IT AND THEN MAKE FUN OF IT” but the truth is, deep down inside (next to the part that watches Flavor of Love) is a girl that truly enjoys this crap. I immediately like just about everyone I meet, and I find enjoyment in just about anything. That’s just my personality.  To some, this may also be indicative of my intelligence level……it is what it is. To people that think I’m stupid because I enjoy this crap, WHY ARE YOU READING MY BLOG RIGHT NOW? I have an entire section of ONLY JERSEY SHORE POSTS. It’s your own fault.

The truth is, I  enjoyed the first three Twilight films. But that’s because I went in having read all 4 shitty books, and didn’t have high expectations. I think, because of that, I came out pleasantly surprised. Why? I am a firm believer that the directors and actors are given some pretty terrible source material (the books) to work with, and because there’s such a strong following, they’re not allowed to toy around with it much to change it and make it better. They have to do what they can with one-dimensional characters, predictable plot twists, and creepy pedophile undertones. The fact that these movies have astronomical budgets leaves for some pretty cool special effects, beautiful sets, and good lookin’ actors. And if you’ve read my movie reviews before, you know that my “Did I like that movie?” criteria is A) Did it have good acting? B) Did it have a good story? and C) did it have cool visuals? If it had one of those, and not the other two, I probably enjoyed it. I know a lot of people require all three, but like I said…. I’m not very picky. So I’ve always left satisfied.

So duh, of course I went to see Breaking Dawn! I didn’t go on Friday, or even Saturday…. because screw that. I wanted to avoid the crazy Twilight moms and people dressed up like Vampires. I went to see it on a Sunday afternoon. The theater was still packed…. grrrrrrr.

I will disclose that throughout the movie, some woman with a ventilator, AKA DARTH F*CKING VADER, was sitting behind my sister and I. *coooooooo*…. *cuhhhhhhhhh*…. *cooooooooooo*….. *cuhhhhhhhhhh*…. every two seconds. Then every 5 minutes she would have this deep phlegmy cough and it would make me (literally) start to gag. I then realized every time she started coughing I was covering my face with my t-shirt. I think I was subconsciously afraid to catch whatever it was that she had. Oh man, it was really, really gross.

It’s possible Darth Vader ruined the movie for me. I like to think the movie really just sucked, and Darth just made it a little more interesting for me. But I felt like it was important to disclose that since… well…… it was a distraction.

The movie started out with the wedding. And wow, it was actually REALLY PRETTY and just about the only thing I enjoyed out of the movie. I was instantly sad when I saw that Bella’s wedding dress has a lace back, because I have always wanted a lace back on my wedding gown (WAY BEFORE THIS TWILIGHT SH*T) and I realized that every woman from my generation will now have that idea in the back of their mind when shopping for their gown, and it’s not going to be as original as I thought it would. So yeah, f*ck you, whoever made that decision.

One good thing I can say about Breaking Dawn is the makeup was sooooooooo much better in this film. In the books they always said how when you become a vampire, you become much prettier, basically. But you’re pale. IN the last 3 films, they basically take these REALLY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE, and make them look like pale druggy crackheads with caked on makeup. and it’s always really distracting for me. I hated it. Ashley Greene, for example, is GORGEOUS in real life. But her hair in all the movies has been so terrible. And made Alice less gorgeous than I pictured her in my head. Same with Nikki Reed, who is a knockout in real life, was pretty frumpy in the movies. So finally, they fixed it, and I’m happy to report everyone looked pretty gorgeous in this film.

After the wedding, everything basically went downhill. They spent a good one hour of the movie showing Bella and Edward on their honeymoon, having sex. Or thinking about having sex. Or debating having sex. Or Edward complaining that he hurt Bella when they had sex. Or Bella begging Edward to have sex because he didn’t want to hurt her. ALL WITHOUT EVER SAYING THE WORD “SEX.” The dialogue was painful and the avoidance of the word was so obvious. It was like they wanted to be dirty without actually being dirty. The only adult word in the entire movie was when Bella said she missed her “period.” When I heard that, I was tempted to burst into applause and pat her on the head and be like, “Awwwww, you said ‘period’!!”

The dragging dialogue, unfortunately, isn’t something I can blame on crappy books. This happened because Summit Entertainment split the last book into two movies to make more money. It’s not like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, where there were so many intricate details and plot twists that they didn’t want to skip anything. THIS WAS A TOTALLY UNNECESSARY MOVE. Breaking Dawn could’ve (and should’ve) been one movie. Because they split it into two, they dragged on a mind numbingly stupid honeymoon scene for SO. LONG. Oh my Goddddddddddd. There was no good dialogue. And by “no good dialogue” I mean hardly any dialogue AT ALL. They played chess, they started at each other, Bella cried because she wanted to have sex without actually saying the word “sex,” etc. You get the drift, right? IT WAS SO BAD.

Blah blah blah, once they finished their honeymoon and Edward’s vampire seed was implanted in Kristen Stewart’s belly, the movie moved a little quicker. There was a lot of terrible acting from Taylor Lautner (AKA Jacob) and NO SHIRTLESS SCENES, which…. what the hell. That’s one of the only redeeming qualities about these films. Maybe Summit got tired of everyone making jokes about him being shirtless all the time? But by trying to be taken more seriously, there was a major plot hole, no? They were shirtless in past movies because every time they turn from a human to a werewolf, their clothes rip off. And in this movie, every time they’d turn back, they were magically clothed again. BUT THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE. In the books, Jacob would have to hide clothes in certain places so he wasn’t naked. So every time they popped out of the woods fully clothed, I was annoyed. Mostly because I HAPPENED TO ENJOY THE SHIRTLESS SCENES, OK?

The main conflict (KILL THE BAY BAY!!!!) was silly. The imprinting was creepy. I mean………. I was hoping they would just leave that out of the movies. But unfortunately, they didn’t. They left it in. And it was still really, really creepy. I guess the director did a good job of trying to make it less creepy with at least showing the vision of what Renesme (or however you spell her stupid name) would look like as an adult, and not just Jacob creepily falling in love with a baby….. but it was still creepy. SUPER CREEPY. I love that word. CREEPY CREEPY CREEPY CREEPY.

Anyway……. the ending of the film was very anti-climactic. It’s obvious to everyone that she’s going to survive the birth. THERE IS A BREAKING DAWN PART 2, obvvviously she survives. So it’s like……why are you making this so gross? I heard people had seizures in the movie theater. I just covered my eyes a lot, because scalpels and stuff really gross me out.

Kristen Stewart makes really awkward screaming noises during the entire birth. They don’t sound like screams, they sound like she’s pooping. THAT’S THE ONLY WAY I CAN DESCRIBE IT. So the birth scene was really, really awkward to me. I just kept thinking “why does she sound like she’s painful pooping?” She should have a screaming double. Someone else to scream for her. Do they do that in Hollywood? Is that a thing? It should be.

One good thing is the special effects they used on Bella’s body to make her look like a malnourished Olsen twin was pretty awesome. It reminded me of Chris Evan’s mini body in Captain American, except Breaking Dawn actually did it better. So props on that, movie people.

There wasn’t much happening action-wise AT ALL. There was one scene (that never happened in the books) where all the vampires and all the werewolves were fighting because the vampires were weak from not eating…. and it was like 5 minutes long. You couldn’t tell who was who, it was a little dark (lighting-wise) for my taste, and absolutely no one got hurt. Not even a scratch. No vampires. No werewolves. Everyone ended up OK. It was very silly and forced. VERY SILLY, INDEED.

The movie ended with Bella waking up as a vampire. So that’s cool. I have a feeling Breaking Dawn Part 2 will be much much much better, since they saved all the *actual* action for that film. There wasn’t much suspense in this one. Just lots of taking about sex without saying sex. Lots of creepy imprinting on babies. Lots of Taylor Lautner completely clothed. Lots of Kristen Stewart sounding like she’s pooping. Lots of conflict that wasn’t really conflicting. Pretty lame, Summit Entertainment. I haz a disappoint.

Overall, I wouldn’t see it again. Out of my three movie criteria, Breaking Dawn only had cool visuals. The wedding was neat, some of the special affects were neat. But it’s not a “watch again before the next movie comes out” kind of movie. If you want to ironically see it (like I claim sometimes) you should wait until it comes out on DVD. It’s not worth seeing in the theaters. It’s really not worth seeing at all. If you’re not a fan of the series, just…….skip it.

One response

  1. lisa

    THANK YOU for finally putting KW’s weird scream into words. Painful pooping.
    Uuuuuuuuuuuuurggggggghhaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ungh, ungh, ungh

    November 26, 2011 at 1:43 PM

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