You can poop like an A-list celebrity for the LOW cost of only $425!!!!!!
If you’ve never been to Goop.com, please take a moment out of your day and visit. It’s the most pretentious thing you will ever read in your entire life. It’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s website where she tells you how everything she does is the best, and how you should do it in her way. Cooking, clothing, activities, exercise, travel, decorating, diet… EVERYTHING. It’s insane. In a good way. In a “you’re so much better than me and I hate you for it but I can’t hate you 100% because you’re so nice about it” way.
I can’t afford anything she suggests, such as her “hangover cure” consisting of various expensive spa treatments. MUST BE NICE. The only “steam room” I have available to me when I’m hungover is when I pass out in my shower and I wake up and the hot water has been running for 40 minutes. I doubt any of my readers can afford anything on Goop either, so I don’t post about it much. But then I saw the GOOP POOP CLEANSE™ (no, that’s not what it’s really called, but it should be), and I decided I should post about it. For the low price of $425.00, you too can poop like an A-list celebrity! You get a kit containing:
A three-week supply of Nourish: Protein powder; Move: Fiber powder; Clear 1: Probiotic anti-microbial; Balance: Insulin regulator; Cleanse Manual, Ease: Digestive enzyme; Encourage: Strong probiotic; Clear 2: Herbal anti-microbial; Relief: Liver support; Recipe Guide
I don’t know what any of those things do, so don’t expect an informed article here. Or for me to critique it and be like “THOSE THINGS DON’T EVEN DO ANYTHING GOOF FOR YOUR BODY!” because I have no idea what they do. Well, wait. I kinda know what they do. They make you poop. A LOT. But I’m pretty sure you can buy a bottle of Ex Lax for $3 at the drug store and it will do the same thing. Sure, that $3 bottle of Ex Lax won’t have fancy herbal anti-microbials to help with whatever they help with, but your body will still poop. A lot. WITHOUT HAVING TO SPEND $425. So I suggest going to Walgreens and doing that instead. Unless you want large intestine EXACTLY like Gwyneth’s, which in that case you should obviously shell out the extra $422 and go with Goop Poop Cleanse™.
It’s so weird that this is her first venture. As a celebrity product pusher, wouldn’t the natural progression be to release a fragrance before you release a colon cleanse? Or, wait… there’s a joke in there somewhere. Something about spraying your fragrance to cover up the smell of your colon cleanse. I can’t quite get a joke out of it, but you get how my mind works now. It might make sense for her to wait a few months, then the fragrance will sell better because it will make sense.
I should be in PR or something, right? Genius.