Operation OKCreepster: I have found the scariest person on the internet, and he wants to take me to a concert

To celebrate my website hitting 3,000,000 views…. I decided I would reward you with an update to my Operation OkCreepster experiment. If you’re unfamiliar, please familiarize yourself by reading this post first. And this one just for good measure.

Now that you’re all caught up, I want to say I feel it’s been a HUGE. SUCCESS. So far at least.. I haven’t been murdered yet and my skin is not someone’s coat. High five!

I’m experiencing what some call “performance anxiety.” I have so much material that I’m feeling somewhat overwhelmed writing this.  Thinking of what the next edition of Operation OKCreepster would be about has been difficult. After much consideration, I’ve come to the decision that I would focus on one person in particular that has left an impression on me. To protect his privacy, we’ll call him Bob.

Out of the blue one day, I got a message from Bob. No red flags. From what I’d seen, it was pretty strong for an OKCupid first email. It was obvious Bob had read my entire profile because he talked about me training for an Ironman. He touched on my strange fixation with thinking about ways to commit the perfect crime. He even mentioned my love of shitty Top 40 pop music…. which led into him asking me on a date. It was a good transition! I was impressed. See for yourself:

From his tiny profile picture, it looked like he was either bald, or had buzzed platinum blonde hair. Then I clicked his profile. Which, I AM SO GLAD I DID. Upon loading, it was like I was transported into a whole new universe of crazy. I hit the OKCreepster mother load:

Bob’s hair is not buzzed. Bob’s hair is not blonde. Bob has an all white ponytail with dark roots. Which… hey… some guys can rock a ponytail! But unfortunately Bob can not. It seems like Bob typically nixes the pony and enjoys going au natural. So much so that he went au natural in his mug shot, and then decided it on OKCupid as a profile picture:

The reason I named him Bob is because he instantly reminded me of Sideshow Bob from The Simpsons for many obvious reasons.

They look alike though… right? I know it’s hard to get past the fact the OKBob doesn’t have red hair like Sideshow Bob, so I went ahead and photoshopped it a little so you could see where I’m coming from…

Do you see the resemblance now? TWINS!!!!! Anyway… I wish you could Bob’s eyes. I WISH SO BAD. But I don’t want to get sued. So I have to pink it out. Just trust me though, Bob….(OKcreepster Bob, not Simpson’s Bob)……… is very scary. His profile is ridiculously long, so here are some of the highlights:

He admits to emailing EVERYONE on this website. Not just me. Probably 18 year olds. Because he wants a “metaphysical” connection with them and doesn’t care about age. He searches EVERY DAY for his metaphsyical mate. “Metaphysical” is probably a new term for “touching their dead body after it’s been in your freezer for a few weeks.” Another profile picture:

After reviewing his profile, I won’t lie… I was a little scared to even respond. But I DID ANYWAY, and… yeah. Again, glad I did. Because here you go:

The photo he linked (that I blurred out) was hosted on his personal website. So I went to it, and yeah, even more crazy:

Sole Survivor of Universe Alpha?……….

I decided I absolutely HAD to check out his Twitter:

Seriously, he has 15,850 followers on Twitter?! Dude is obviously legit. LEGIT.

I stopped emailing Bob after that, because after reading his profile (which took well over a half an hour) I started to fear for my life. Hopefully my blog readers are not also fans of OKCreepster Bob and don’t alert him to the existence of this blog. If they do, and you’re reading this Bob? My bad…… my bad. Or, in Japanese…. 私の悪い.

What do you think, should I date the Sole Survivor of Universe Alpha?

6 responses

  1. “Plans changed for other party” – Bob’s twitter. …are YOU the other party? If so, I’d be a little more scared.

    July 15, 2012 at 8:31 PM

  2. Bethany, You are hysterial. I love this. :)

    July 15, 2012 at 8:49 PM

  3. Ed woods. Your efin cousin


    July 15, 2012 at 10:26 PM

  4. There is so much here that blows my mind, but I think the part that cracked me up most of all is that he was inspired to grow his hair long because of a Ford Flex.

    July 21, 2012 at 4:50 PM

  5. Anonymous

    You are disturbed

    August 1, 2012 at 10:40 AM

  6. Anonymous

    I’ve never visited this site before today, but you are like the mean girl in high school. If you don’t like him, don’t go out with him. He’s a little kooky, but you like top 40s.
    He’s a simultaneous translator and you’re a blogger, he wins smart points.

    September 5, 2012 at 9:45 AM

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