Wait, it’s not a good idea to raft our way down a raging river 5 miles to shop at Walmart? All while drinking whiskey sours? WHAT?

Marvin Lee Kingsbury and Charles Kent Bowers came upon a genius thought: Let’s make whiskey sours, get a raft, and let’s float five miles down the Monocacy River — the raging, post-Sandy hurricane watered Monocacy River — so we can go shopping at Wal-Mart.

Kingsbury’s wife refused to help him with his idiot plan, and begged him not to go, but a friend agreed to pick them up upon their arrival. When the friend who did agree to pick them up informed Kingsbury’s wife that they never arrived at the Walmart, she went to the river, found her husband’s coat floating and thought he was dead, the report states. Here is a video of the ‘tard filled rescue that ensued:

Kingsbury and Bowers even brought along whiskey sours to drink in celebration of their arrival. Small problem is they never arrived, but I’d be willing to bet they did a lot of drinking after this whole thing went down. Bowers said they intended to drink the whiskey sours “like the victory cigar” when they reached their destination at Walmart. He said there were more turns and curves in the current than expected.

Additionally, Bowers said he had not changed his view about the trip and would do it again. “Absolutely, better boat next time,” Bowers said.

Well it won’t be hard to find a better boat next time, considering the one they used this time was a rubber raft rigged with a piece of plywood in the bottom and swim noodles for stability.

I’m glad this is what our tax dollars go towards. ‘merica!

via these guys and these guys.

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