This is the best GIF on the entire internet. Forever. There will never be a better one. Ever.
In all of it’s live glory:
James Franco lip syncing to Justin Bieber’s “Boyfriend.” No, really. Yes, it’s awesome.
This literally made my day.
James Franco and his new lady friend, Ashley Benson (this is me pretending like I know who that is), for no reason at all, made this “music video.” He posted it to his WhoSay channel (again, this is me pretending like I know what that is) and took it down pretty quickly.
My bet is he’s afraid of the Beliebers……… which, if you didn’t know, are Justin Bieber fans. Fun fact: my website is belieber.wordpress.com, and I made it before Justin Bieber ever existed. And the reason for that is because my last name IS LIEB so people nicknamed me Belieber.
JUSTIN BIEBER STOLE MY NICKNAME. Not ok with it.
Remember when Lindsay Lohan used to only get arrested every once in a while?
I know it’s been a while, but can you remember back when Lindsay Lohan was not only hot, considered (somewhat) talented, and only got arrested like… once a year? Yeah… me either. But I guess that apparently was once a reality. But not anymore, because she was arrested yet again this week for slapping a ho in the face at a night club for stealing her purse. Except she didn’t really steal her purse, Lindsay Lohan is just cray.
Thanks E! for creating this timeline of all the times Lindsay Lohan has been in trouble with the law. For those of you that count…. there are TWENTY…. THREE….. entries on this list. TWENTY THREE.
May 26, 2007: Lohan is collared on a charge of driving under the influence and possession of cocaine after losing control of her Mercedes in a booze-fueled car wreck in Beverly Hills.
July 24, 2007: The actress is taken into custody in Santa Monica on suspicion of driving under the influence, driving on a suspended license and possession of cocaine after she gets into a verbal argument with a woman whom she chased in her SUV.
Aug. 23, 2007: Lohan pleads guilty to misdemeanor cocaine use and driving under the influence and is sentenced to one day in jail and 10 days of community service and placed on three years’ probation.
Nov. 15, 2007: LiLo spends a whopping 84 minutes in the Lynwood, Calif. jail before being released due to overcrowding.
March 13-16, 2009: A Beverly Hills judge issues a $50,000 warrant related to Lohan’s May 2007 DUI arrest only to rescind it three days later after her attorney Shawn Holley shows that the starlet has been complying with the terms of her probation.
Oct. 16, 2009: The judge in her DUI case extends Lohan’s probation by an additional 12 months so she can complete her court-ordered alcohol education program, which she had up until that point failed to do given her ever-busy career.
May 20, 2010: Her probation is revoked and a bench warrant is issued for the thespian’s arrest after Lohan skips a court date to attend the Cannes film festival and then claims she couldn’t get back because, in the words of her attorney, “her passport was stolen.” The judge sets her bail at $100,000, which she later pays to win her freedom.
May 24, 2010: The trouble-prone party girl is fitted with an alcohol-monitoring SCRAM device on her ankle and ordered to refrain from drugs and booze and undergo weekly random drug testing as part of the conditions of her bail.
June 8, 2010: A judge rules Lindsay’s in violation of her probation, hikes her bail to $200,000 and issues a new bench warrant for her arrest two days after Lindsay’s SCRAM ankle brace suspiciously lights up at an MTV Movie Awards afterparty. The warrant is subsequently recalled after a bail bondsman covers Lohan’s bond.
July 6, 2010: Lohan is sentenced to 90 days in jail for failing to attend her court-ordered weekly alcohol education classes.
July 20, 2010: Linds surrenders and ultimately ends up serving two weeks due to prison overcrowding and the non-violent nature of her crime.
Sept. 24, 2010: Lohan’s probation revoked after she flunks a drug test which found cocaine in her system.
Sept. 28, 2010: Lohan leaves jail and goes directly to rehab.
Dec. 12, 2010: During Lohan’s rehab stint, a staffer at the Betty Ford Center accuses the starlet of attacking her after she asks Lohan to submit to a drug and alcohol test. The charges are later dropped.
Feb. 9, 2011: Surprise! LL is taken back into custody after pleading not guilty to stealing a $2,500 necklace from a Venice jewelry store.
Apr. 22, 2011: Lohan is given 120 days in county jail and 480 hours of community service after a judge finds she violated her probation on the 2007 DUI. At the same time, her necklace-jacking charge is knocked down to a misdemeanor.
May 26, 2011: She’s released from L.A.’s Lynwood Jail due to overcrowding and serves out the rest of her stint under house arrest.
Oct. 19, 2011: The Mean Girls star has her probation revoked (again!) after she fails to perform her community service obligations. After being briefly detained, she gets out after posting $100,000 bail.
March 14, 2012: Lohan is accused of allegedly sideswiping a person with her car outside a Hollywood hotspot and then fleeing the scene. L.A. prosecutors decline to prosecute, citing “no direct evidence.”
March 29, 2012: The comeback kid finally completes the probation in her DUI case and is placed on informal probation for the necklace theft.
Sept. 19, 2012: Lohan is arrested for allegedly clipping a man with her car outside New York City’s posh Dream Hotel and then leaving the scene. Manhattan D.A.’s office, however, opt not to bring charges, citing insufficient evidence.
Oct. 10, 2012: Cops respond to a disturbance call at the Long Island, N.Y. home where Lindsay is staying with her mother, Dina Lohan, after the two allegedly have a massive blowout. No charges are filed, however.
Nov. 29, 2012: Lohan popped outside Club Avenue in downtown Manhattan after she allegedly punched a woman in the face.
According to some critics, Jennifer Lawrence is “too fat” to play Katniss. FFFFUUUUUU
Apparently Jennifer Lawrence is too fat to play Katniss. At least according to some critics. And unfortunately they’re TOP critics, not the pieces of shit you’d expect to say this from gossip magazines. Yeah, JUST LET THAT SINK IN FOR A MINUTE.
The NEW YORK TIMES’ critic L.V. Anderson says, “A few years ago Ms. Lawrence might have looked hungry enough to play Katniss, but now, at 21, her seductive, womanly figure makes a bad fit for a dystopian fantasy about a people starved into submission.”
The Hollywood Reporter says her lingering baby fat is evident throughout the film in certain scenes.
My least favorite of all, Jeffrey Wells from Hollywood Elsewhere says, Jennifer Lawrence is a “fairly tall, BIG-BONED lady” who’s “too big” for Josh Hutcherson, who plays Katniss’s romantic interest Peeta.
So let’s talk about the reasons this is so ridiculous and makes me a wee bit stabby and start to freak out.
#1, Jennifer Lawrence is perfectly thin, even by Hollywood standards. She probably weighs around 120 lbs. At the most. She’s fit, muscular and lean. She’s not “big boned” IN THE LEAST, not even compared to other Hollywood actresses. So for someone to say she has baby fat, that she’s BIG BONED (oh my god, RAGGGEEEE!) or that she looks big compared to ANYONE… makes me super stabby.
#2, If these critics want to claim their opinion isn’t misogynistic, encouraging related to the unrealistic expectations towards women in both the “real world” and in Hollywood, then why didn’t they have the same things to say about Jennifer Lawrence’s male counterparts in the film? Liam Hemsworth AND Josh Hutcherson both looked well fed and muscular, and both were residents of District 12. Did they look “starving” enough? No? Well then why wasn’t that included in your critique, hmmm? Oh, because you’re a misogynistic piece of shit, and will take any opportunity to cut down women that look great? Oh great, well I’m glad we got that cleared up.
#3, SUCK MY DICK, CRITICS.
I want to boop Prince Harry’s nose
I don’t like redheads, but I like Prince Harry. Not only because he’s A PRINCE, and FUNNNN, and CUUUUUUTE, and OK it’s because he’s a prince. Here’s some information about the trip that I copied word for word from another website because I just wanted to post drunk pictures:
In the first day of his week-long tour of Commonwealth countries in Central America and the Caribbean representing his grandmother, Queen Elizabeth, in the celebration of her Diamond Jubilee as the UK’s monarch, Harry danced, drank and basically out-partied everybody else on the scene.
In Belize, the 27-year-old helicopter pilot grabbed the hand of a middle-aged woman and twisted and jived around the dance floor during the Jubilee Block Party in Balmopan.
Harry also took care of some official business, and addressed the crowd of 2,000 revelers.
“‘Her Majesty has asked me to send her good wishes to you all,” he said. “She remembers so fondly her visits to this beautiful realm and speaks of the warmth of welcome she received on her most recent visit in 1994. I’m only sorry she can’t make it and you’re stuck with me.”
Yayyyyy! Marry me.
via Radar Online
CRUSH ALERT: ALL-TIME HIGH
d’awwwwwww. He really was blushing hahaha
And yes, I just d’aww-ed about a video where Zac Efron talks about dropping a condom. DEAL WITH IT.
Megan Fox bikini pictures. She looks great! Gained a tiny bit of weight, I think.
Megan Fox was on vacation in Hawaii with Brian Austin Green and…. shockingly…. was photographed by the paparazzi in her bikini. She looks good, though! She’s got a little color, and looks like she gained a little bit of weight. Nothing super substantial, but it looks good on her and I think she needed it.
Now, what I need is more Megan! She has disappeared. No movies lately, no pictures, no news…………. not happy with that.
Anyway, enjoy. The rest of the photos are over at The Superficial, which is where I stole these from.
Oh my gosh, Jennifer Aniston’s boyfriend has a personality!!!
You guys! I’ve seen so many pictures of Justin Theroux and he’s become such a regular fixture in the gossip magazines that I have basically forgotten that I know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT HIM and I’ve never heard him talk!
He was on Ellen and… well…. just watch the video. It’s adorable and I love him now. I’m 99.9999% sure they will get married, because I would marry him.
Lindsay Lohan looks like a grandma.
Lindsay Lohan had her day in court today. She looks like she’s 56 years old. Her poor, poor face. Drugs and alcohol and smoking have not treated her well. Some people can actually handle it relatively well considering what their body is going through…. take Kate Moss for instance. She’s been doing the good stuff for years and is still a supermodel, and her skin at 38 looks better than Lindsay’s looks at 25. That’s really sad. And Lindsay has access to the best doctors and spas and products because A) she gets half of it for free and B) she’s been rich her entire life. So there’s really no reason her face should look bad, even WITH the alcohol and drugs. SHE HAS NO EXCUSES FOR LOOKING LIKE A GRANDMA.
OK, so I’m done ranting about her face…. let’s talk about the court hearing. She got a big gold star for doing everything right, including her probation and therapy, which is….. actuallly…. shocking. I did not think that would happen. She never ever ever has good news at court. So…. good for her I guess. But anyway, she has until March 29 to not f*ck everything up, and if she can handle that, she’ll be free to stage paparazzi photoshoots at nightclubs until her little heart bursts!
Rihanna and Chris Brown thought it would be a good idea to release a song together
A skanky song, at that. It’s called “Birthday Cake” and super inappropriate and NSFW.
What do YOU think? Did they alter Kate Upton’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition cover too much?
As anticipated, Kate Upton landed the cover of the Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. This news was supposed to be unveiled tonight on the The Late Show, with a billboard and everything. But they sent a shipment of the magazines too early to a gas station in Michigan, and you know those crazy yoopers, ruining everything…. so they posted pictures online. Oh well, news doesn’t travel that fast and I’m sure the majority of people watching the show will be seeing it for the first time.
So what do you think? Like it? Yeah. She’s super hot. But here’s my beef with it. Yeah, she looks great on the cover but like… SHE’S NOT THAT SKINNY IN REAL LIFE. At all. They either Photoshopped her to hell, or just made her pose very, very strategically…. with the hand on the hip and the angle. I dunno. But Kate is super, super curvy. Like, real curves. She probably weighs a good 15-20 lbs more than most of the models that make the covers normally.
For example, here is a photo of her in a runway show just a few days ago:
And for good measure here’s a photoshopped magazine picture of her in Esquire, but she still looks much more natural:
See what I mean? There’s a HUGE difference between the cover and her in real life. She doesn’t have cut abs like she does in that picture. Her boobs are way bigger in real life. She doesn’t have as small of a waist…. they’re not little differences. They’re big differences. They totally changed her body.
What’s great about Kate is that she’s not really plus size, but she’s also not thin like most models. She’s just…. healthy and…. I dunno…has boobs. That’s why I think it’s great she made the cover. But they they go and choose a picture, or alter a picture, to make her look like every other woman that’s appeared on the cover before. Why not just choose someone that looks like that naturally instead of having to alter her into looking that way? I dunno.
What do you think? Does she look better in the cover or does she look better on the runway?
Photos via Esquire and Daily Mail
Whitney Houston is dead at age 48. Out partying 2 nights ago
Whitney Houston, the Grammy and Emmy award winning recording artist, was found dead today, as confirmed by her publicist. The cause of death, location, and basically all details surrounding her death have yet to be confirmed.
I’m guessing this is alcohol or drug related since I unfortunately saw photos (here) from Radar Online showing her leaving a club wasted two days ago. I knew she had relapsed with her drug and alcohol problem, but I didn’t realize it had gotten this bad. It’s a shame she doesn’t have people around her that won’t enable her.
She was supposedly being considered as a judge on X-Factor since Fox was looking for A-list, successful recording artists. That really could’ve been a turning point for her. So much for that.
DON’T DO DRUGS, ladies and gentleman. And don’t marry Bobby Brown. Here are the rest of the photos from February 9, 2012 where she was leaving a club wasted, following a charity performance:
Before Google News is overrun by stories about her dying, I’ve snatched a few of highlights showing what she’s been doing the last few days…
- Article from a small blog (so who knows how credible) saying her and Ray J (yes, the Kim Kardashian sex tape Ray J) were seen having dinner. They dated in the past (truly bizarre)…. I hope he wasn’t involved with this somehow, partying with her or something…. Story here.
- Whitney was approached “officially” to become an X-Factor judge, after Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger were both let go. Story here…
- Earlier in the evening she was at an event hosted by Kelly Price, to raise money for a charity. She sang “Jesus Loves Me” … video below
- Obviously… the above mentioned Radar Online post showing her leaving the club, later in the evening, wasted… story here.
Although Whitney was known for her singing abilities, her reality show was pretty epic, and I will always appreciate her for giving one of the best sound bites of all time. I frequently send people JUST this link in a text message when I feel it’s appropriate:
(here’s the longer version)
UPDATE: She was found in her hotel room at the Beverly Hilton unresponsive. And there’s more truth to that Ray J rumor than I thought…. TMZ actually photographed them out the other night here. I wonder if he was the one that found her?
via ABC News
Some people just look bad in red lipstick.
Or maybe it’s because she tried to do eyes AND lips… which just… doesn’t work. There’s way too much going on here.
Vanessa Hudgens dances to a Beyonce song better than Beyonce.
I’ve always had a girl crush on Vanessa Hudgens, but I had NO IDEA she could dance this well…..here’s a video of her and Ashley Tisdale dancing to Beyonce’s “Who Run The World” …. pretty feeyus! Who’s a better dancer?
Blue Ivy Carter has 6 nannies and tons of bling already. Suri Cruise is gonna be SO PISSED.
6 nannies? Jewel encrusted bottle? Diaper changed once an hour? Song on the billboard top 100 already? Man, SURI CRUISE IS GONNA BE SO PISSED. She’s been dethroned as the most over the top Hollywood baby. According to InTouch Weekly via IDLYITW:
According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter. “Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.” And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling. “Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.”
…………lolwut.
OK, so….. I don’t mind the diamond earrings that much. They’re rich, SUPER CRAZY RICH, and a lot of babies get their ears pierced. I had mine pierced as an infant, and I think I had super tiny little diamond ones. I’m sure Blue Ivy’s are a carat each (at least) but still.. I get it. What I DON’T get is a “platinum baby bracelet.” I also don’t see Beyonce with 2 nannies at once. That’s extremely hard for me to believe because she seems like someone that tries her best to be normal, at least at home. She’s down for her man, so I bet she’s down for her baby.
I’m gonna go ahead and say this story is BS, especially since InTouch reported it, and they haven’t said anything accurate in approximately 6 years.*
Somewhere in a $108,000 outfit, upon hearing the news that Blue Ivy’s diaper is only changed once every two hours, and her baby bracelet was cubic zirconia instead of diamonds, Suri Cruise was seen laughing like this:
*not a scientific study
Prince William and Duchess Kate add a member to the royal family…. a Cocker Spaniel puppy!
d’awwwwwww! The rumors of late have been that Kate Middleton is pregnant with twins…. but the first addition to their family is an adorable one-month-old Cocker Spaniel. SO CUTE. Here are some pictures of them walking on the beach, being uncharacteristically affectionate towards one another, probably because they knew this crap would end up on every website, including my own.
US Magazine says the couple got the puppy from one of Carole Middleton’s friends. (Carole is Kate’s mom for those of you that don’t obsessively follow this crap like I do.) They weren’t 100% ready to commit, so they took the puppy home for a little bit of time to see how they’d handle it (like any responsible adult should) and they fell in love with it, as we all do. So they kept it. And now I’m blogging about it, because I have no life.
The puppy’s name has not been released, but I’m sure rumors will start………. what do you think they should name it? I hope it’s not a people name. I HATE NOTHING MORE THAN WHEN PEOPLE GIVE THEIR PETS A PEOPLE NAME. I know someone who named their dog Jane. Like….WHAT? Stop that. Stop it now.
That dog, that I will call Marie Antoinette when referenced from henceforth, will probably live a better life than any of us can dream, and for that…. I am very sad. But I’m happy to see they, A) didn’t buy Marie Antoinette from a pet store, B) took the decision seriously, and C) got a black dog… because black dogs are not adopted as often as other dogs and are put down the most at shelters… *sad face*
Unlike everyone buying an engagement ring exactly like Kate’s, this is a trend I can get behind! Everyone go adopt a black dog or cat from the shelter… better yet, an ADULT dog or cat, because they need homes! But make sure you can give them a good home before you do it.
WTF happened to Nick Carter’s face?
DUDE. Not that I’ve ever been a Nick Carter fan (I’M PROUD TO SAY I HAVEN’T) … but like…. DUDE. WTF HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE!!!!
Is he wearing lipstick? Why…. why does it look like he’s wearing lipstick?
What celebrities would look like if they moved to Oklahoma
I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH. I think Pamela Anderson is my favorite, though. Or Ashlee Simpson.
Thanks to Jillie for sending this to me…. it made my day!
Oh no she DI’INT! Khloe’s ex-step mom says Khloe isn’t really a Kardashian, and is a product of Kris’ affair.
Obviously Khloe looks…. different…than her sisters. She was a blonde baby, she’s tall, her hair is lighter, her facial features are different… which is weird if you think about it. It’s clear Kris has strong genetics, all her kids look like HER, and look very little like the fathers. Kim and Kourtney look nothing like their dad, Robert Kardashian. Even her kids with Bruce Jenner (Kylie and Kendall) look a lot like Kim and Kourtney, even though they’re only half-sisters. So you’d think that would carry over to Khloe, no?
Well… Kris admits in her book that she had an affair on Robert Kardashian (Khloe’s supposed dad) the 10ish months before Khloe was born. It’s why she got divorced, because her hubby caught her. Robert got remarried to some ho named Jan, and Jan is now blabbing about Khloe for a quick buck to Star Magazine:
“Khloe is not his kid — he told me that after we got married. He just kind of looked at me and said [it] like it was a matter of fact. He said, ‘Well, you know that Khloe’s not really a Kardashian, don’t you?’ And I said…’OK,’ and that was it.”
So… there’s that. Robert’s OTHER wifey Ellen Kardashian, that he married either before or after Jan (I don’t care enough to research this sh*t), backs her up. She says:
“Khloe brought it up all the time. She looked nothing like the rest. She was tall, had a different shape, light hair, curly hair. Didn’t look anything like the other three children. Robert did question the fact that Khloe was his. Any normal man would if they knew their wife had cheated on him. [But] he never would have considered a DNA test. He loved her very much.”
And honestly? I kind of believe them. I doubt Khloe would ever admit that, because she makes her entire living off being a KARDASHIAN, not a John Doe’s kid. So even if a DNA test has been taken and she’s in fact NOT her dad’s kid, I doubt that will ever be…ya know… confirmed.
I’d also like to take this opportunity to say that Kris AND Bruce are both huge skanks. Bruce has like…10 kids from 2 or 3 women. Kris has 6 kids from at LEAST 2 men, possibly three. Rich people are cray. In the real world, they’d be judged x100. In “I’m rich as sh*t” world, people are like “OMG THEY’RE SO PRETTY WHO CARES THAT THERE ARE 16 BABY MAMAS INVOLVED!”
via dlisted
Well, that was fast. Beyonce and Jay-Z’s baby, Blue Ivy Carter, already dropped her first single.
Jay-Z wrote a song about Blue Ivy Carter about her birf. It’s called “Glory” feat….. BLUE IVY CARTER. Yeha, you heard me.. BLUE IVY CARTER has already dropped her first song, and her contribution was her first cry, it’s towards the end. I wonder when she’ll get signed to Roc Nation.
The song is pretty sweet, though. In the lyrics he talks about a miscarriage Beyonce had previously:
False alarms and false starts, All made better by the sound of your heart, All the pain of the last time, I prayed so hard it was the last time. Last time the miscarriage was so tragic, We was afraid you’d disappear, Naw baby you magic.
You know what? This alone shows they have really good people around them, that it never leaked that she A) was previously pregnant or B) miscarried. They got to tell the world on their own terms. Here’s the song, the cry is at the end:
More about the birth………The notoriously private couple, that hasn’t even confirmed they’re MARRIED, released a statement about the birth, probably to shut everyone up about the c-section rumors:
“We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful; we are in heaven.’ They continue, ‘She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs. It was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support.”
A rep from the hospital also said:
‘The suggestion that the couple paid $1.3 million to rent an entire maternity floor is simply not true. The family is housed in an executive suite at the hospital and is being billed the standard rate for those accommodations. Our executive suites are available for any patient, including the food service and amenities provided to the Carter family. We have made every effort to ensure minimal disruption to other families experiencing the births of their own children over the past three days. No security plan that we or the Carters’ security team put in place would have prevented or delayed families from gaining access to the NICU, and to date, no families have complained to the hospital about being denied access to the NICU.’
Welp. That clears everything up. It apparently didn’t cost $1.3 million, and they didn’t piss off other people at the hospital, even though some guy said he wasn’t allowed to see his baby. Good talk.
John Mayer is participating (and encouraging) Jim Carey’s crazy. I am disappoint.
Watch a video of the collaboration here!
It’s been a while since I’ve had any John Mayer news. He’s got his own category on the blog…. Hubby #1: John Mayer. I’m sad that I’m even writing about this, or posting the ridiculous video. THIS SHOULDN’T BE HAPPENING. My future husband shouldn’t be doing this low budget crap. It’s embarrassing. I’m embarrassed for him. Talented, hot, sane people like John Mayer should not be hanging out with midlife crisis lunatics such as Jim Carey. OR playing the background music for their weird art videos. Jim Carey’s art looks like the stuff I used to draw on my binder with gel pens in Bible class when I’d zone out.
Do you think maybe Jim just invited John over, and was like, “hey man, play something for me!” when they were hanging out? And then John started playing and Jim was like, “Dude I’m just gonna record you real fast!” and John felt pressured because he was in that awkward situation where he doesn’t want to say no and stop playing immediately because then Jim would know he’d be embarrassed for the world to see that they hang out. So he just played to be a nice guy, and now Jim is calling John his muse, and using John’s music as background music to his cray art video?
I bet that’s what happened. At least that’s what I’m going to tell myself happened.
What you think when you see these LeAnne Rimes swimsuit photos will depend on if you’re a man or a woman.
A GUY SEES THIS AND THINKS: “Damn, LeAnne, you need a sandwich. Let me feed it to you……here….eat this mayonnaise and Dorito* sandwich. (*Or anything else with high calories and fat content)” or… if he’s really messed up in the head, he’s thinking something like, “Damn, LeAnne Rimes looks hot in a bikini!!”
A WOMAN SEES THIS AND THINKS: “That dirty ho isn’t wearing shoes in a public bathroom.” Or at least I hope that’s what they’re thinking, because that’s what I thought.
To be completely honest with you, I don’t even like going barefoot in my own bathroom. I shed a lot, and somehow stray hairs end up stuck to me. And we all know once a hair has fallen off your head it’s immediately DISGUSTING and touching it is gross. So like…. the idea of going into a public restroom without shoes on makes me die a little bit inside. OTHER PEOPLE’S hairs touching me? Plus other people’s… other stuff? That’s stuck to the floor? Touching me?……….. no thank you.
via Amy Grindhouse
You can poop like an A-list celebrity for the LOW cost of only $425!!!!!!
If you’ve never been to Goop.com, please take a moment out of your day and visit. It’s the most pretentious thing you will ever read in your entire life. It’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s website where she tells you how everything she does is the best, and how you should do it in her way. Cooking, clothing, activities, exercise, travel, decorating, diet… EVERYTHING. It’s insane. In a good way. In a “you’re so much better than me and I hate you for it but I can’t hate you 100% because you’re so nice about it” way.
I can’t afford anything she suggests, such as her “hangover cure” consisting of various expensive spa treatments. MUST BE NICE. The only “steam room” I have available to me when I’m hungover is when I pass out in my shower and I wake up and the hot water has been running for 40 minutes. I doubt any of my readers can afford anything on Goop either, so I don’t post about it much. But then I saw the GOOP POOP CLEANSE™ (no, that’s not what it’s really called, but it should be), and I decided I should post about it. For the low price of $425.00, you too can poop like an A-list celebrity! You get a kit containing:
A three-week supply of Nourish: Protein powder; Move: Fiber powder; Clear 1: Probiotic anti-microbial; Balance: Insulin regulator; Cleanse Manual, Ease: Digestive enzyme; Encourage: Strong probiotic; Clear 2: Herbal anti-microbial; Relief: Liver support; Recipe Guide
I don’t know what any of those things do, so don’t expect an informed article here. Or for me to critique it and be like “THOSE THINGS DON’T EVEN DO ANYTHING GOOF FOR YOUR BODY!” because I have no idea what they do. Well, wait. I kinda know what they do. They make you poop. A LOT. But I’m pretty sure you can buy a bottle of Ex Lax for $3 at the drug store and it will do the same thing. Sure, that $3 bottle of Ex Lax won’t have fancy herbal anti-microbials to help with whatever they help with, but your body will still poop. A lot. WITHOUT HAVING TO SPEND $425. So I suggest going to Walgreens and doing that instead. Unless you want large intestine EXACTLY like Gwyneth’s, which in that case you should obviously shell out the extra $422 and go with Goop Poop Cleanse™.
It’s so weird that this is her first venture. As a celebrity product pusher, wouldn’t the natural progression be to release a fragrance before you release a colon cleanse? Or, wait… there’s a joke in there somewhere. Something about spraying your fragrance to cover up the smell of your colon cleanse. I can’t quite get a joke out of it, but you get how my mind works now. It might make sense for her to wait a few months, then the fragrance will sell better because it will make sense.
I should be in PR or something, right? Genius.
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